Archive for category Autobiography

My Past Lives

Here is everything I have figured out about my existence prior to this incarnation.

I am under the impression that I am a Wanderer from Ra. This is mostly an inference.

I began to believe that I was a Wanderer because this seemed like the best explanation for why I am spiritually powerful, and why I feel so different from everybody else, and why I feel so dissociated from the opinions, norms, and values of this species.

The question arises of which density I am from. Fourth density is out of the question, because I am not sufficiently loving, and too wise, to be of that origin. That leaves fifth or sixth density. Both seem like distinct possibilities, but sixth density seems more likely, for two reasons. First, a great proportion of my lessons of this incarnation have had to do with balancing love and wisdom, which is the work of sixth density. Second, Ra states that the great majority of Wanderers on Earth right now are from sixth density.

So I think that I am a sixth density Wanderer. This is probably a very common identity among spiritual seekers right now.

I began to suspect that my origin was the social memory complex Ra because this seemed like the best explanation for why I felt such an intense metaphysical pull to Ra’s philosophy. I had some telepathic experiences which corroborated the hypothesis.

A Wanderer from Ra is probably also a fairly common thing to be. Since Ra belongs to this solar system, there are probably a significant number of Wanderers from Ra on Earth.

So originally I did my third density work on Venus, and I progressed through the fourth and fifth densities, and into the sixth.

I hypothesize that I am a specialist in wandering, having cultivated the skill of penetrating the third-density forgetting to a high degree. So I find it likely that I have wandered to planets other than Earth in the past.

I know that I have been on Earth for more than one incarnation. I do not know how many.

I remember some details about my last incarnation. I was an occultist living somewhere in Europe, or perhaps in America. I was very unhappy, and a bit of a misanthrope.

My lessons were defined by a duality between my tendency to get overly lost in my intellect, and my neuroses surrounding romance. In my intellectual inquiries I would detach myself from my emotions, and eventually they would painfully catch up with me.

I worked with John Dee’s system of occultism. I practiced perceiving and understanding archetypes — an ability which I easily remembered in this incarnation. I was often frustrated with my intellectual inquiries, because I felt that they were leading me nowhere.

I also played the piano — an activity which I picked up again for a few years in this incarnation. In both cases it served the same function: to balance my detachment from my emotions.

I died on a respirator, with pain in my right hand.

A great many patterns continued from that incarnation into this one. Most of the problems I have now are problems that I had in my last life. But, I’ve made a lot of progress on those problems, and I’ve found my way into a place more filled with hope.

Besides my memories of my last incarnation, I have a memory of being in an Indian body and meditating on a mountain. This is presumably from an incarnation before my last one.

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Before Waking Up

I am thinking of writing an autobiography. (It would take a while, since I have a lot more data to gather.) This would be a portion of that.

My memories of the time before my spiritual awakening are relatively few and dim. I think that this is a reflection of an actual difference between these two periods. I was experiencing more after my awakening than I was before. I remember more of the time post-awakening in the same way that I remember more of the experiences of the day than I do of the dreams I had the night before.

From the time before middle school, I have no specific experiences to report. I was an introverted child, frequently lost in my imagination. I knew that I was “smart,” and that I was “weird.” I embraced both of these labels with great pride. I thought very highly of myself.

In middle school, the most notable event was puberty, which brought me face to face with love in a new and intense way. All of the girls began to appear like angels. I experienced the self-hatred which came from feeling that I was not worthy of their grace. I never expressed my feelings to any girl, due to my unconsciously felt fear of rejection.

My middle school was a small charter school which offered an intimate social environment. Together with puberty, this made middle school a time of increased green-ray activation for me.

One of my hobbies during middle school was roleplaying games. I would play with my friend Cam, with me spinning a story and him making decisions in it.

I can recall the precise moment at which I lost my imagination. (It has never returned.) It was one day of the last year of middle school. Cam wanted to roleplay with me, and I refused to do so, leaving him frustrated. I never played with him again; and subsequently I lost my imagination.

High school was intimidating to me, because it was so large and impersonal. I did not make many friends, and to a great extent I was socially isolated for those four years. I began to embody the “nerd” stereotype.

In one way this was unfortunate; it hindered my progress with further green-ray activation. In another way it was fortunate. While I was socially isolated, I explored myself and my own possibilities more deeply, leading me to begin to activate my blue-ray.

Around freshman year of high school, I picked up the hobby of computer programming. I did this out of an unconscious desire to develop my powers of rational thinking.

My major problem with computer programming was that I could not finish my projects. I would start something, lose interest before making much progress, and then start something else. This challenge gave me the opportunity to explore my own desires. I had to figure out what I wanted. I am now of the opinion that answering the question “what do I want?” is a major part of blue-ray activation.

At some point — perhaps late in sophomore year — I picked up the hobby of music. It happened as follows. One day I thought to myself, “I need to do something new.” My eyes fell on my father’s electronic keyboard. I thought, “I can learn to use that.” This simple moment opened a whole world of new experience for me.

I picked up music out of an unconscious recognition that, having developed my powers of rationality and thought, I needed to balance them with the opposite powers of intuition and emotion. Unconsciously, I knew that I could do this with music.

So for the next few years, I threw myself into music. I learned to play the keyboard. I never learned many pieces, but I became quite good at improvising, and impressed many people with this ability. I also learned how to write electronic music on my computer. I even wrote my own software for performing improvised electronic music.

I continued to experience my problem of not finishing my projects, but to a lesser extent. I became more and more serious about music, until my greatest desire in life was to write a good piece of music. This was driven by a yellow-ray desire for recognition, and a blue-ray desire to express myself.

Unfortunately, I never achieved my desired standard for “good music.” Years later, I recognized what the problem had been. I was very good at the technical aspect of music, and lacked the aspect of pure intuition and creativity. I knew the intricacies of music theory, digital audio, and synthesis algorithms; but I could not find it in me to punch out a catchy tune. I could make any conceivable sound, but I could not assemble these into really compelling music. I never managed to balance myself with respect to the rationality/intuition duality; I was still too far on the “rationality” side of the duality to be a really good musician.

In my junior year of high school, I had my first romantic relationship. A month or two prior, I had consciously decided that I wanted to have a girlfriend. (Apparently this had been in question for me.) It seemed serendipitous that the universe provided me with a girlfriend so shortly after I made this decision.

Her name was Hallie. The first few months of our relationship went very smoothly for me, I think because I was not genuinely involved on any deep level. We lost our virginity to each other, and I experienced the blissful feelings of romance.

Hallie suspected that I did not genuinely love her. I disagreed with her assessment; but in retrospect, now that I know what love is, I can see that she was right. I can see that I was not opening up to her. This was particularly apparent in our sex, where I was detached and anxious the whole time, focusing on pleasing her without allowing myself to feel anything. (In my experience, what goes on in sex very frequently offers a metaphor for what is going on in the relationship as a whole.) I think I was defending myself from the danger that I would have put myself in by allowing myself to feel. I knew unconsciously that becoming emotionally involved would be dangerous.

Nonetheless, over time, I did become emotionally involved. Then I became needy and controlling. When I got too needy and too controlling, Hallie broke up with me. We had dated for about six months. As usual, I don’t quite know what was going on on her side. I am reasonably confident that the breakup was not all my fault; but I only know of the part that was my fault.

When we broke up, I suffered more badly than I had ever suffered previously. (Relative to other sufferings I know now, it was not so bad; but at the time it was a new experience.) I was very lonely. I realized that I had few friends, and did not know how to reach out to others. My view of love soured; I came to see it as a painful, negative thing.

Yet, that suffering was a bit like the opening of the gates to the Kingdom of Heaven. I bounced back from the breakup upon starting my senior year of high school; and that year, my life began to transform.

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