Before Waking Up

I am thinking of writing an autobiography. (It would take a while, since I have a lot more data to gather.) This would be a portion of that.

My memories of the time before my spiritual awakening are relatively few and dim. I think that this is a reflection of an actual difference between these two periods. I was experiencing more after my awakening than I was before. I remember more of the time post-awakening in the same way that I remember more of the experiences of the day than I do of the dreams I had the night before.

From the time before middle school, I have no specific experiences to report. I was an introverted child, frequently lost in my imagination. I knew that I was “smart,” and that I was “weird.” I embraced both of these labels with great pride. I thought very highly of myself.

In middle school, the most notable event was puberty, which brought me face to face with love in a new and intense way. All of the girls began to appear like angels. I experienced the self-hatred which came from feeling that I was not worthy of their grace. I never expressed my feelings to any girl, due to my unconsciously felt fear of rejection.

My middle school was a small charter school which offered an intimate social environment. Together with puberty, this made middle school a time of increased green-ray activation for me.

One of my hobbies during middle school was roleplaying games. I would play with my friend Cam, with me spinning a story and him making decisions in it.

I can recall the precise moment at which I lost my imagination. (It has never returned.) It was one day of the last year of middle school. Cam wanted to roleplay with me, and I refused to do so, leaving him frustrated. I never played with him again; and subsequently I lost my imagination.

High school was intimidating to me, because it was so large and impersonal. I did not make many friends, and to a great extent I was socially isolated for those four years. I began to embody the “nerd” stereotype.

In one way this was unfortunate; it hindered my progress with further green-ray activation. In another way it was fortunate. While I was socially isolated, I explored myself and my own possibilities more deeply, leading me to begin to activate my blue-ray.

Around freshman year of high school, I picked up the hobby of computer programming. I did this out of an unconscious desire to develop my powers of rational thinking.

My major problem with computer programming was that I could not finish my projects. I would start something, lose interest before making much progress, and then start something else. This challenge gave me the opportunity to explore my own desires. I had to figure out what I wanted. I am now of the opinion that answering the question “what do I want?” is a major part of blue-ray activation.

At some point — perhaps late in sophomore year — I picked up the hobby of music. It happened as follows. One day I thought to myself, “I need to do something new.” My eyes fell on my father’s electronic keyboard. I thought, “I can learn to use that.” This simple moment opened a whole world of new experience for me.

I picked up music out of an unconscious recognition that, having developed my powers of rationality and thought, I needed to balance them with the opposite powers of intuition and emotion. Unconsciously, I knew that I could do this with music.

So for the next few years, I threw myself into music. I learned to play the keyboard. I never learned many pieces, but I became quite good at improvising, and impressed many people with this ability. I also learned how to write electronic music on my computer. I even wrote my own software for performing improvised electronic music.

I continued to experience my problem of not finishing my projects, but to a lesser extent. I became more and more serious about music, until my greatest desire in life was to write a good piece of music. This was driven by a yellow-ray desire for recognition, and a blue-ray desire to express myself.

Unfortunately, I never achieved my desired standard for “good music.” Years later, I recognized what the problem had been. I was very good at the technical aspect of music, and lacked the aspect of pure intuition and creativity. I knew the intricacies of music theory, digital audio, and synthesis algorithms; but I could not find it in me to punch out a catchy tune. I could make any conceivable sound, but I could not assemble these into really compelling music. I never managed to balance myself with respect to the rationality/intuition duality; I was still too far on the “rationality” side of the duality to be a really good musician.

In my junior year of high school, I had my first romantic relationship. A month or two prior, I had consciously decided that I wanted to have a girlfriend. (Apparently this had been in question for me.) It seemed serendipitous that the universe provided me with a girlfriend so shortly after I made this decision.

Her name was Hallie. The first few months of our relationship went very smoothly for me, I think because I was not genuinely involved on any deep level. We lost our virginity to each other, and I experienced the blissful feelings of romance.

Hallie suspected that I did not genuinely love her. I disagreed with her assessment; but in retrospect, now that I know what love is, I can see that she was right. I can see that I was not opening up to her. This was particularly apparent in our sex, where I was detached and anxious the whole time, focusing on pleasing her without allowing myself to feel anything. (In my experience, what goes on in sex very frequently offers a metaphor for what is going on in the relationship as a whole.) I think I was defending myself from the danger that I would have put myself in by allowing myself to feel. I knew unconsciously that becoming emotionally involved would be dangerous.

Nonetheless, over time, I did become emotionally involved. Then I became needy and controlling. When I got too needy and too controlling, Hallie broke up with me. We had dated for about six months. As usual, I don’t quite know what was going on on her side. I am reasonably confident that the breakup was not all my fault; but I only know of the part that was my fault.

When we broke up, I suffered more badly than I had ever suffered previously. (Relative to other sufferings I know now, it was not so bad; but at the time it was a new experience.) I was very lonely. I realized that I had few friends, and did not know how to reach out to others. My view of love soured; I came to see it as a painful, negative thing.

Yet, that suffering was a bit like the opening of the gates to the Kingdom of Heaven. I bounced back from the breakup upon starting my senior year of high school; and that year, my life began to transform.

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